


Standing On The Edge Of Heaven

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-22
Updated: 2009-07-22
Packaged: 2018-09-03 10:37:52
Rating: Teen & Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8709112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Jared discovers that love and strength can reach out across barriers that are impossibly high.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** A fic contribution made for Pippi's cancer awareness day.

Jared was clinging on to sanity by his fingernails and it was a surreal feeling, almost like trying to grasp hold of a snowflake or a cobweb. His precarious hold on life teetering dangerously as it dissolved before his eyes.

 

“Jared,” Jensen’s voice was low and laden with something that spoke of more than regret, “don’t close down on me now big guy.”

 

And Jared had to turn and face him. He just had to. This was Jensen - his friend. No, more than that but the rest had gone unsaid. Too many years had made the wall unimaginably high and too many mines had been placed to spring this deadly trap.

 

“It….all of this… it’s too hard Jensen. I can’t…..I don’t know how to do this,” a guilty omission that felt shameful as if Jared had broken one of the golden rules of trust.

 

“It doesn’t matter,” Jensen struggled with his emotions, “not now. Please, I want…..”

 

Jared’s heart picked up pace, “What? Tell me, Jensen? ‘Cos I don’t know how or where to start,” he looked blindly at Jensen searching those sea green eyes, wanting to touch and hold but not knowing how to bridge the gap.

 

Because they were done. They were over. Without a single word or gesture they had had cut short their growing bud of hope, and it had once been all too easy to blame agents and movie makers who wanted gold lined pockets. 

 

Jared had felt the distance to Jensen all too keenly, but their detachment was due to more than miles - it stretched over years and hurdled over wives and girlfriends. And for someone so full of confidence, energy and life it was more than disturbing to observe how pale and thin these last few weeks had wrought on Jared.

 

Because now the lies like thick, sticky treacle that had made them stumble over thoughts and feelings had been boiled and thrown away. Their self inflicted separation breached finally by more than words.

 

“I should….I should have told you how I felt,” Jensen’s voice low and broken, “I should have Jared. My god I should have!”

 

“But you’ve told me now and that’s what counts,” a half smile on Jared’s lips, “unless….you’re not planning on telling me….” his words trailed off.

 

Like sunshine breaking through stormy clouds, Jensen’s face lit up, “You are such a girl!”

 

Jared laughed, this was hard. This - whatever they were, it hadn’t been them. 

 

Before….before they’d started living separate lives the phone calls had dried up. The text messages once eagerly expected had gone unread. They both made an unconscious decision not to face what had been in every photo; in every touch. 

 

“But….” Jared prompted, “can’t you break one of those gilded rules just for me?”

 

“I could,” and Jensen paused, “but then couldn’t you have done the same? This was never about me Jared, you made sure of that.”

 

And this was the shameful thing Jared couldn’t deny. 

 

Jensen had been ever the silent one; the loyal friend and faithful lover and Jared had hated him for that; had hated that Jensen had held strong fast and never cracked. While he had spent days, weeks, months and years wandering up and down that invisible line. Jared had prowled like a caged tiger, wanting desperately to be free to follow his instincts but instead he’d confined himself within a mine of expectation and his own dishonesty.

 

Jared’s head fell, “I let you down. I keep doing that,” he added quietly.

 

“Jared, no.” 

 

“It’s okay. I can live with it,” Jared nodded dismissively, “I have to,” he laughed bitterly, “can’t do anything other than that now, can I?”

 

It was true he couldn’t. Time stops for no man – or so they say. It’s not stopping now; only creeping ominously ever forward one solid tick at a time. This could have come straight out of a Supernatural script. The heady tension, the poignant stares and off the cuff remarks.

 

“I want you,” Jared blurted, if one of them had to claim this thing, then he’d do it. He’d sacrifice himself.

 

“J..a..y,” his name a breath of air as Jensen raised Jared’s head, stroking softly over weary eyes, lingering over lined skin.

 

“I’ve always wanted you,” once the words were out Jared couldn’t stop.

 

Collapsing inward he bent his head to Jensen’s shoulder, inhaling spicy aftershave and bubble bath, “Always, Jensen, always.”

 

Jensen held him. A crying child; lost and lonely. Filling up Jensen’s heart like he had his arms.

 

“Jared,” Jensen kissed his head, face buried into soft dark strands of hair.

 

And that hurt. So very much. 

 

Jared didn’t want to face his fears but he had to. 

 

It was time to be brave. Time to hold himself accountable and face the music. Jensen hadn’t told him any different so Jared supposed that….well, now he’d run out of time; left it all too late.

 

“Jared,” Jensen repeated, green connecting with hazel, “look at me.”

 

He didn’t want to. Oh, god no. Jared wanted to run and hide but as usual his Jensen wouldn’t let him.

 

“We’ve faced worse things,” Jensen’s words strong and clear, “this, this is just a blip. A dip in the road. There is nothing that can break us, Jay. Not now. Not ever.”

 

“You mean that?” and the little boy was back.

 

“Yes, Jay I mean that! Don’t you remember when I lived with you in Vancouver, we were a team? You and me together. All those jokes we played. All the fun we had.”

 

Jared nodded, “It was the best. You were the only one in my life. It….it wasn’t quite the same when you left.”

 

“I made a mistake, Jay. We all do that. But….but I’m making this right now. I’m giving you everything you need.”

 

“Yes, please,” and Jared crushed his mouth to Jensen’s. 

 

It wasn’t fireworks or electric shocks. It was better than that. Their kiss was a familiar rhythm; a steady pulse of hearts. It was warm and cold and tingling fear. It was everything forbidden and everything desired. A symphony of music led by Jared and followed by Jensen. Synchronicity at it’s most perfect. It was summer after a thunder storm and the scent of freshly cut grass in spring.

 

“What now?” Jared gasped.

 

“Now we do this,” Jensen gripped his hands.

 

“Together?”

 

“Together, Jay,” Jensen confirmed.

 

It all seemed to sound so perfect. But the magic of it all filled Jared with terror, “But you haven’t….I love you Jensen. I always have but you haven’t told me….”

 

“What that I love you?” Jensen prompted, “Did you really need to ask?” 

 

“No….yes…..” Jared broke, “Damn it! Jensen is it so bad to want to hear it? Can’t you give me that much at least?”

 

Jensen kissed him, soft and simple. He put more feeling in to that one fleeting touch than in a hundred lustful fucks. 

 

Jared felt it to the tips of his toes, the burning hunger in his blood mixing with the absolute knowledge that this was it. 

 

This was them. 

 

This was what they should have been. This was what they had become.

 

“Don’t you understand me now?” Jensen murmured mouth glued to Jared’s.

 

Standing on the edge of heaven, Jared gazed at his reflection and whispered, “Yes.”


End file.
